David Coveney

Bono’s office, some time in 2014

Hi guys, I suspect you know why I’ve called you in here for this meeting. Adam, Larry, uhm… hat guy… you know that costs have been rising and, what with piracy and everything we just don’t get the receipts we used to.

Obviously that means we have to find some savings and, after looking through the options the management have come up with a plan to help save the band and allow us to continue delivering on our mission statement of creating slightly banal rock music along with big, over the top live concerts.

I’m really sorry to be the messenger in this, but I have to inform you that your roles are being replaced by a team of six musicians from Hyderabad in India. Obviously this pains me greatly, and eventually I will go as well as I’m staying as a transitional figurehead until somebody just as annoying can be found and trained up.

You’ll be pleased to note that I’ve been able to negotiate a generous three month notice period for you all, including a generous pay off equivalent to an additional six months of pay if you work out your notice period to management’s satisfaction. I hope this is agreeable to you. There will also be assistance in you finding a new job through our redeployment unit who will be offering training and help with tidying up your CV.

What’s that Larry? What will you be doing during the notice period?

Well, mostly you’ll be training up your replacements who are arriving later today. Hat guy, you’ve got Ishaan and Krishna, Larry you’ll be working alongside Arjun and Diya, and Adam, you’ve got Om. You were supposed to have two guys with you but there was a problem with visas or something.

Hat guy, you have a question? OK, fine, “The Edge” it is… I do wish you’d let that go. What’s wrong with Dave eh? Sure sure, we’re digressing… anyway, no, management don’t believe quality will suffer.

I’m obviously unhappy this has had to happen, but I’m sure you’ll all find success in your new jobs out there. I believe most people who suffer redundancy find themselves better off than before! One guy I knew was just a cleaner, got made redundant, got trained as an electrician and makes four times what he did. Amazing eh?

No Adam, I don’t think after this has happened I’ll suddenly find myself in a nice managerial role. I’m as gutted by all this as you all are, I can assure you.

Chaps, I know our new album is part way through, but I’m sure you’ll all be professional about this and make sure that you transfer all your knowledge and current working situation to our new colleagues. Good luck, Larry, Adam and Dave, and let’s stay friends. Right… right?

image credit link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:2005-11-21_U2_@_MSG_by_ZG.JPG

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