A misanthrope’s guide to Parkrun

Parkrun is a wonderful, community led event held in parks and public spaces all around the world. But what if you actually just hate humanity whilst wanting to get some fresh air each week at around 9am on a Saturday? Here are some handy tips:

1. When your shoelace goes loose part way through your 5k stop to retie both laces for safety. In the middle of the path. Ideally wait until the narrowest part of the course.
2. Are you a fast runner? Don’t forget that whatever the run director says it is, in fact, a race. Get your singlet on, only attend multi-lap Parkruns and yell “KEEP LEFT” at anyone with the temerity to be lapped. If they don’t? Well, being pushed into the pond will soon teach them a lesson.
3. Do you have strong political views that all the sheeple haven’t yet caught up with? Make sure to express them on your running shirt so that you can show how up you are on the crowd behind you!
4. Being infirm doesn’t exclude you from using the park at 9am on a Saturday, so enjoy some fresh air by taking your mobility scooter around the park in the opposite direction to the Parkrunners. This way you can expunge your resentment and jealousy of their fitness. If you have some friends in the same boat, bring them along! It’ll be a laugh as you watch all those health freaks dodge around you.
5. Your dog should be on the longest lead possible. Your dog should also, ideally, have a weak bladder and a desire to stop to relieve itself on the opposite side of the path to you, creating a fun and diverting jump on the course for the runners.
6. Extra points if you have a dog that gets anxious and yappy during the briefing.
7. It’s important during the run director’s briefing to stand close whilst simultaneously having a very loud conversation about the latest episode of The Traitors with your friends, completely ignoring the important bit about the fallen tree. Make sure to yell at the RD about not telling you about the fallen tree afterwards.
8. It’s actually a race. Doesn’t matter if you do 13 minute Parkruns or 50 minute Parkruns – if somebody is getting the way of your PB then they deserve to be humiliated and, ideally, pushed into the pond.
9. Join an anti-trans protest group that hangs around Parkruns. Because Parkruns aren’t about inclusivity and having a bit of fun exercise with friends. It’s about being fastest (see point 8) and clearly if someone’s born a woman they should never be beaten by anyone who identifies as a woman. It’s a race. The position is important!
10. It’s an event for friends to have a good old chatter. If there are so many of you that you take up the entire path then that’s not your problem – the faster runners shouldn’t complain. Just be careful near the pond.
11. If you’re fast but prone to being late, don’t worry about catching up to the front. Elbows out! God gave them to you for a reason!
12. At the funnel, realise you don’t have your barcode and duck out under the tape. Don’t worry, the volunteers will see you and adjust all the times appropriately.
13. The tag is a memento! Keep it!
14. Having children is joyous. It gives you someone to bully and they can’t fight back or leave your home – so don’t forget to have them with you, in tears, at Parkrun as you bully them to yet another PB!
15. Spit! Don’t swallow! If you can do it across a group of slower runners, all the better. Make it phlegmy!
16. When you get to the end, don’t forget to stop at the line and wait for your friends. No, nobody minds. It’s all part of the fun and good practice for when you use escalators on the tube.

Got any others? Add them in the comments!